The (Unofficial) Feast of St. Patrick

In our university town, St. Patrick’s Feast Day is actually a movable feast, celebrated on a day several days before March 17th. In response to irresponsible green beer drinking by coeds, University administrators smartly changed the school’s Spring Break vacation to fall on St. Patrick’s Day, thus eliminating the conflict between academic pursuit and 9AM green beer drunkenness.

And in response to this move, college bar owners smartly dedicated a new holy day: Unofficial St. Patrick’s Day, a day celebrating St. Patrick’s Feast Day while classes are still in session.
So thankfully, disruptive revelry can continue.

Our town braces for “Unofficial” like a Class 4 hurricane. And to be honest, I think I’d rather see a Toyota rammed into a Jimmy John’s window than needy suburban 19-year-old coeds wearing tight green shirts that say Kiss Me in a barely covert way to redeem their not-hotness. It’s an ugly celebration, for sure. Lacking the rich tradition of Rio’s Carnival or New Orleans’ Mardi Gras, this celebration is just a big frat party. A frat party full of guys who weren’t invited to join a frat, and Urban Outfitters salesgirls who are looking for love (from said guys who weren’t invited to join a frat). Public drunkenness and green wrist bands and shouted Valley Girl speak is the order of the day. It’s pretty lame.
So I’d like to improve on this (Unofficial) St. Patrick’s Feast Day, instructing these eager Catholics* on how to celebrate tastefully, in real Irish style.

1. Beer. Hand me that stupid Solo cup of green Bud Light and let’s drink a decent beer. Guinness is a better beer that is traditionally Irish and tasty. It’s tall, it’s dark and it’s handsome - and that’s pretty good for a stout. So let’s raise a glass of gratitude and toast the tastiest thing coming out of Ireland for the last 253 years. Sláinte!
2. Dress. OK, all you spray-tanned ladies in the hoooouuussse! I get it. I understand that you’re trying to look cute to get the attention of cute boys. So why do you look like trash? I’m going to tell you how I would dress if I still had a hot body. First of all, forget those promotional green t-shirts; they’re not doing you any favors. Instead I’d go for a pretty, strapless top in a tasteful Irish linen. It’s 2012, and I know you’re not going to part with your skinny jeans, so those will do. And I’m not a St. Patrick’s Scrooge: I’d still wear green and gold, but how about moss green eyeshadow, and gold peep-toe wedges and gold hoop earrings? There! Now you’re the right kind of attractive, and you just may attract a guy that you won’t be embarrassed to talk about in the morning.

3. Music. Please, if for just one day: turn off the Lady Gaga (awful) and the Taylor Swift (even worse) and catch some Irish music at a pub, instead. Irish music is some of my favorite music and I promise you’ll thank me: it’s fun to drink and dance to.

4. Adornment. The shiny green plastic Mardi Gras beads are an embarrassment to the shorties stumbling about wearing them. Declaring their tacky mea culpa to the world, these beads are no good. Women either didn’t actually flash someone to get these beads, or they shouldn’t have. There is no third option. So instead, put on a Claddagh Necklace and have some class. (And really, you can play this tasteful piece as “Good Girl” as you like.) With the best of traditional Irish style, Claddagh jewelry has timeless elegance, and you’ll be able to respect yourself in the morning.
5. Decorum. Shouting “I Love Beer!” at passing cars is never appropriate. Or cool. (I Love Infomercials, but you don’t hear me shouting about it, now do you?) For respectable revelry, take a lesson from The Irish Handbook of Drinking and Revelry: First, drink several beers in quick succession. Stand up and lead fellow revelers in an Irish drinking song. Drink three more beers in quick succession. Stand up, knocking over chair, and pick fight with your brother that “Mom always lorvved b-best” [sic]. Blubber and cry. Apologize and hug Mom’s F-favorite Son. Drink two beers in quick succession. Repeat.

6. Food. Corned beef and cabbage, loaded potato skins, and Irish nachos in a pub at 2AM? Perfect. Don’t change a thing.
* I can only assume that these revelers must be devout Catholics, for who else would celebrate a saint’s feast day. Right?