Paper Routes

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Paper Routes

by Dick Jaeger

Setting: A park bench

Actors:

Arnie

Bill

Casper

ARNIE: Remember our good old paper-delivery days? Boy, we had to work. Well,

it was sort of fun too, and we could always catch the eye of some young chick.

BILL: I guess I wasn’t a very good paper boy. I only received one tip.

At Christmas. A quarter.

CASPER: My first route was twenty-six papers and I had to walk two and a half miles.

ARNIE: I remember one day in particular. It was springtime. As I got closer to this

house, I noticed they had removed the screens on their front porch. And the

front door was open. Ah, here’s my chance to show what a great paper boy I

am, I thought. I tossed the paper through the open door!

BILL: Good boy! Did they come out and thank you?

ARNIE: Oh, not quite. The next Monday at school my classmate – it was his house.

Johnnie said the paper landed in the bowl of soup his dad was trying to eat.

Boy was he pissed!

CASPER: One winter evening...I remember, it was already dark and the streetlights

were on. I finished my route and headed home. But then, I thought I heard

someone behind me. Stopped and looked back. No one there. Again – I

stopped to check on a funny noise. Nothing. Made me decide to sprint home.

I got to the end of the street and cut the corner across the end lot. But I didn’t

see the wire they had strung across the yard to keep kids from cutting through.

Hit that wire with my shin, and man did I fly.

BILL: I can say I never threw a paper on a customer’s roof!

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ARNIE AND BILL: Well, I did a few times.

CASPER: I had a customer who never seemed to answer the door. Or he never had

any money when I came around to collect. Another Saturday collection,

another “no answer” at the door. Dad said, “Did Jones pay you?”

“No”, I answered. Dad picked up the phone, called Jones and in a loud

voice Dad made clear I was on my way down to their house right now and they

will pay – now!

BILL: When I started high school football, practice was after school. I had to give

up my paper route. Well, by that time it was a pretty good-sized route. 75

papers and nearly every house.

I had a buddy who agreed to take over the route. But he didn’t want to collect

or be responsible for the money. So we agreed that he would deliver and I

would collect on Saturdays. We’d split fifty-fifty.

When my Dad found out about our good business deal, he just said, “If Donnie

does the work he gets the money. No discussion.”

I was out of the paper business.

ARNIE: Reminds me of my Dad. I had a Sunday route for four weeks. But I

decided I did not want to deliver those heavy Sunday papers. I got a

friend to take it over. A few weeks later he asked me to sub for him. It was

Easter Sunday, but I agreed to. And I was amazed that so many people had left

an envelope with a card and some money for the paper boy! When I got home

I told my Dad of my good fortune.

Wrong.

He clearly told me, “That money is for the boy who delivers regularly. You are

to turn it all over to him.

Yeah, my Dad too was a firm believer in justice.

BILL: One of my paper routes, the papers were delivered to my house in a big bundle.

After grade school all the neighborhood guys would get together and play

basketball on our driveway off the alley behind our house.

Mom would open the back door and yell “The papers are here!”

ARNIE: That got you moving, right?

BILL: Not quite. It’d only put a pause in our game. But when the door started

opening the second time, I knew I’d better be heading toward the front of

the house and get to work. She always had to yell twice, but I knew I’d

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better not push it. When Mom was unhappy we were all unhappy.

CASPER: Ah, yes, the good old days. Wonder how it works now. But I guess I already

know. Our paper gets delivered by an adult throwing it from an open car window. And we pay by credit card...automatically. Folks are missing something today. We had it good.

ARNIE: And you know what? We sure got to know a lot more people in town!

THE END